Empty dreams
Monday, July 23, 2007
"Hello, test test."
"Er, hi... No I haven't died, not yet at least, I don't suppose you want it either lest nobody will be writing in this hole anymore. Er neither has this blog for that matter."
"It's probably weird reading a dialogue performed by the same writer here after a long hiatus, but no, in case you were wondering,
I have not 1) gone bonkers, 2) fried my brains over work (though I'm quite I would eventually hur hur), or 3) decided that this is the best possible way to present my blog and therefore will do it in future entries."
"Ha! Scared you, didn't I?"
"I've been in a pretty limbo position these past few months (not too sure I'm completely out of it yet though, but I'm certainly trying). Depression was one of the symptoms."
"So was the will
not to do anything that requires too much effort."
"... which was just about everything, I'm sure."
*nods* "Shopping was pretty much the main escape route, next to watching films/dramas and reading of course."
"It's quite scary because I didn't even know it was happening to me..."
"Until I realised recently that I didn't even recognise myself anymore."
"Ugh. Tell me about it. I absolutely hate identity crises."
"Well, at least you aren't a teenager anymore."
"
Especially if I'm not a teenager anymore."
"But you were rather schizo then."
"I am still schizo now."
"Right."
Right, so that concludes my mini-dialogue session for today. Hope you enjoyed it and weren't too disturbed by its content or style.
On to bigger things... I've read in the papers that fresh graduates from the 2007 cohort (which is incidently my batch) are very highly paid these days, for example, a fresh graduate from Arts could start on a 3K pay (no less), which makes me wonder sometimes if I should be content with almost half of that.
But then again, I don't think it's really as rosy as it seems and their kind of jobs (those cited in the article anyway) don't exactly appeal to me. (Okay I can just hear my own mother screaming in my head asking: "Then what do you want
lah!") I know big, permanent, high-paying jobs which spell "stability" all over are what I'm supposed to be looking out for now, but I'm just not ready for such a large full-time commitment yet. In fact, I wasn't even ready to graduate when I had to.
So now I'm (or I was) stuck in this limbo stage in which I was dreaming of all kinds of possibilities but was doing no such thing to advance any of these dreams... until I was kind of told off for it (which obviously was something I need and deserve). If truth be told, I was afraid of failure - the failure not able to fulfil these exact same dreams that I slogged through university for. Now, you tell me, isn't that just ironic?
What's more ironic is that I tell my kids the exact opposite: that they can do it if they dare to dream. So who is this coward that's dreaming big things and preaching to young kids that they should dream when she is doing nothing herself except dream? Now, without any kind of effort put into practice, those are merely empty dreams.
The last one to adjust to the new conditions in his/her surroundings will definitely lose out. And I'm definitely not someone who loses.
9:01 pm
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