Nothingness
Monday, March 23, 2009
I doubt many people come here nowadays. After all, this space has been vacant for a while.
Before you slam me for ingratitude, I'm not saying this out of arrogance. The past year since I last updated was a really busy year. In between my new job, GRE and fitting in time for JLPT, I had to apply for graduate school.
If any of you knew how tedious this process was, you will know exactly what I mean when I say "merely applying is a pain in the ass". If not, I'm telling you now... it was a pain in the ass.
And after a year of trudging through my busy activities, I suddenly found myself this year having comparatively almost nothing to do except for work, leisurely pursuing my studies in Japanese and flipping Jdrama after Jdrama and critiquing one after the after, and oh, of course, getting older. I turned 25 exactly a week ago, and let's just say it wasn't the best of days.
What has all the busyness done to create this space of nothingness?
Every day, I feel like I'm supposed to search for something to do but I don't know for sure what it is, and if I am even looking for something in the first place. A sense of deja-vu washes over me. Neo from
The Matrix?
Perhaps.
Perhaps not.
I yearn to escape into the abyss of Japan once again, like last October. It was gratifying to know that I could communicate well with the native people. Maybe they were nice when they paid me compliments, but at least I knew the studying hasn't gone to waste and I would be sure to use the language yet again, thrilled even.
It sucks to know that you have to reevaluate your goals and relocate your motivation all over again. Is this what is known as the "quarter-life crisis"? Because I refuse to bow to it. Suddenly, 25 seems so much older than 24, and now I can't pinpoint what exactly I have achieved in those 25 years.
At my age, my mother had already gotten married and given birth to me two years earlier. Yup, she was a really young mother, but I can't imagine myself like her at all. Not in this sense anyway.
Before turning my age, Diana is going to wed her college sweetheart this Saturday. By the time she turns my age, she would have settled down comfortably in her new life, with new family and house.
Maybe I am overwhelmed by my age and tottering between how to move forward and how to enjoy being young again. I was never very good at the planning ahead part and nearly always stuck in the mood of retrogression.
In times like this, I wish there can be directions given to me.
I wish I could follow the white rabbit.
10:50 pm
クロサギ
