Graduate loh!
Sunday, May 06, 2007
I fear for times like these - not knowing what to do with your life, where life is going to take you... decisions, decisions and more decisions. It was like this during the window between secondary school and junior college. It was also like this in the long corridor between junior college and university. And as you get older, the decisions you make will indefinitely affect you for the rest of your life. Like er, "what are you going to do?"
And even though I bravely display my status at the top of the post, I still can't believe it's over already. In fact, I still answer "soon la" to the question "have you graduated already?" I mean, okay technically convocation is two months away but exams are over already so officially but unofficially I've graduated (yikes, feels so weird to type it in). I know the rest of my peers are thinking: "yay, graduate loh!" so they probably think it's nonsensical mourning for the end of student life.
It's probably more of a love-hate relationship for me. I grumble (or rather, grumble-d, sheesh this is damn weird) so much about studying but actually I like learning new things all the time. But then I also dislike being forced to learn certain things I'm not interested in and then I complain about it. Afterwhich I start to realise that I like procrastinating about it, so then I love hating it and at the same time, I hate loving it and subjecting myself to it all over again.
And when I get out of it and am able to look at it from a critical (hopefully objective) point of view, I realise that I'm addicted to the whole love-hate relationship thing with studying, which is highly disturbing of course. Like a workaholic who doesn't know he is one until he actually retires and catches himself attracted to the same thing he was repelled by years ago.
I feel exactly like that.
After my last paper, I practically stopped all reading for a few days, only to find myself reading all sorts of signs and posters and analytically evaluating them for the sake of evaluating them. Not that I don't already do that on a daily basis, just that I've only started to realise how obsessed I am with reading. And everytime I watch a film/drama/visual images out of leisure, I find myself using technical terms to describe them without knowing I do, until of course people who don't understand me ask.
So now my problem is that, my brain is still not used to slacking around so it's not learning how to rest. I still haven't learnt to sleep peacefully without thinking of random unrelated things despite it being
after the exams. But then I also fear that it will turn to mush pretty soon (which it probably will if I continue existing in limbo), so I get worried but then I don't do anything about it so I end up making myself more worried about not doing anything.
And so I concluded that I'm definitely psychotic in these aspects. Maybe I should learn not to think so much and be easily satisfied with my lot, so please you guys, install some bimbo-ness into me sometimes. Come to think of it, it's probably a good lifesaving skill or something hur hur.
11:24 pm
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