Encore
Thursday, April 19, 2007
I'm suffering from an encore mix of jadedness, moodiness,
sian-ness and aimlessness - symptoms related to resisting the exams - which ironically sets in when they are just around the corner.
I just feel so tired slugging away. I know it's the last lap, I
should be chionging, like the sixth round of 2.4km run, the last chorus of a song, the last mouthful from a buffet dinner, the conclusion of an essay... Ugh, why couldn't it be like the last episode of a drama series? Maybe then I could feel some form of anxiety or eagerness even in finishing the last lap, but no... I just feel really emo about it.
I'm torn between looking forward to the future and backtracking into the past. As in, obviously I don't want to travel back in time, but while I want to go forth, I feel like something is holding me back, and that something lies in the past. And then I have doubts about my zeal for the future: if I really wanted to move on so much, why can I not let go of the past and move on? Again, I'm treading on ambiguous ground here.
In the past, whenever it came to the exams, I will feel the enormous urge to slack but at the same time knowing and hoping that the next semester will be better. This time, there is
no next semester, whether I liked it or not. And maybe I'm not ready to accept reality yet, but time is not going to sit around and wait for me. Nevertheless I still can't move... I am what you call it - living in stagnant waters still trying to grapple with the fact that there will be rain and life will go on.
In short, what the hell am I doing? At least the essays gave me some kind of drive in trying to meet or beat deadlines, but there are no deadlines for the exams. I am just waiting passively for life to come and go past me. Maybe I'm afraid of the helplessness and aimlessness that the after-exam period is going to bring, because by then there would be decisions to make - those kind that will make or break my life. I thought I had it all planned out, but lately that has been accompanied by thoughts of possible failure...
what if I fail? I don't want to...but... what?
Ironically, I haven't been sleeping well when all I wanted to do during the essay rush was sleep. And sleep I did. But now I've been having sleepless nights, and I attributed this to bouts of stomachache. Yet, my mother claims that stress is a contributing factor to the disorder as well, so is it the stomachache that is causing my insomnia or is stress really the main (and only) culprit? Which then begs the question of
why stress? Which then brings the whole thing back into a circular argument altogether: exams = stomachache = stress = exams and so on.
6:26 pm
クロサギ
