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The writer does not intend to but tends to make silly remarks that make others laugh. Sometimes she enjoys this unintentional trait of hers, and sometimes she detests it. But nevertheless, she loves to laugh at silly things, both good and bad, mostly little silly things, because she finds that life is too short to spend it sulking away. She also tends to be sarcastic with her words because the subtlety of dry humour makes her laugh even more and lightheartedly at those who "just don't get it."

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    Sara - Blogger

    Enough reason

    Sunday, October 08, 2006

    Lately, something has been weighing heavily on my mind.

    It has affected my well-being, unconsciously sacrificed my sleep, and directly or indirectly, this has greatly decreased the speed of my work rate.

    This is not supposed to happen. At least, if I could plan it, it wasn't supposed to.

    I don't suppose anybody was at fault. If anybody were at fault, it would be me.

    I had put in too much effort. So much effort that I had expected something, not everything but at least something, in return.

    And, like a spoilt child, I couldn't afford to lose. I really didn't want to lose.

    It really hurts to think that all this time, I could done something to prevent it. Of course, it hurts the most to know that I have already lost something, and if I weren't more careful the next time round, I might lose it again.

    Through this, I realised that hoping too much can cause serious emotional damage. Maybe I'm just stubborn.

    I just don't want to let go.

    I don't want to lose without running the race.

    Truly I had forgotten that in true Christian fashion, when we give something to someone with all our heart, we should not ask, not even expect, for anything in return, no matter how much effort we have spent on it.

    And because I have forgotten this value, I am now paying for my mistake.

    And I cry in the end, not because I pay dearly, but because I am nostalgic about the past, the past that I wish I could go back to.

    But when the fond memories become inscribed in various sites of memory, they're not even worth half the value of the real lived memories. But even those are imagined to be much better than the present.

    If I need to explain myself for writing this, I'm doing so because I hope to account to myself as to why I am still in the race.

    I know for some people, "because I've invested too much" or "because I don't want to lose" are not good enough reasons to continue the race, and maybe there are even better reasons to quit, but for me, I have chosen the path of a person with very strong emotional attachments.

    And that's enough reason for me.


    8:38 pm
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