I'll go on...
Sunday, October 01, 2006
The end is in the beginning and yet you go on.Perhaps I could go with my story, end it and begin another.
(Beckett,
Endgame)
We've had a good week of studying, comparatively to the rest at least.
I'll go on because there is still a goal to be reached. And we have proven that in the last week that we might just be able to attain that.
I'll go on because there are stories to be told. My stories, his stories, her stories, their stories. I'd like to tell as many as I can before I die.
I'll go on because love keeps people alive, although the opposite is true as well. Love is a double-edged dagger, but the dagger itself is not dangerous. It can be made dangerous by a person's heart.
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. (Neil Gaiman)
Neil Gaiman's words (thanks to Cat for the quote) strike a note with us, but so what? We'll go on just so we can mess our insides up or mess other people's insides up again. Our life then proceeds in a series of stories. You end one and you begin another. Or some people might have multiple threads going on at the same time overlapping one another, so that it is difficult to tell which story has ended and which has just begun. Even as you do it systematically by ending one and beginning another, you wonder if the end is really the end or the beginning is really the beginning. And you'll never stop wondering but that doesn't stop you from going on either.
I'll go on because I cannot not go on. In the end, we all have to go on, no matter what Beckett writes or Gaiman says. Time doesn't allow for that to happen. It doesn't allow us not to go on.
It will be the end and there I'll be, wondering what can have brought it on and wondering what can have...... why it was so long coming.(Beckett,
Endgame)
6:47 pm
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