(Too) Close to the Sun
Saturday, April 08, 2006
I am just this close to getting burnt... very soon and in fact, I'm actually quite afraid of it. Depression has sunken into my psyche, I have a compulsive-obsessive behaviour towards my school work and not going to school for one day feels weird for me.. I think I even dream of school in my sleep! Last night was the only time I slept so much in days and isn't it weird that I feel even more sleeply when I woke up? But I keep thinking about school and how much work i still have despite (almost) nearing the end of deadlines, so effectively I can't sleep properly.
It's not enough to recognise that I am stressed, I think I need to acknowledge that I am actually near burnt out. You know, it's the you-will-feel-better-if-you-let-it-out thing. And I don't know if I will feel better but at least I'm finding an outlet for it, which I think should be good right? And the funny thing about being (too) close to the sun is that I'm still very much attracted to it and yet repelled by it because it's too hot and will burn me. Even though I can still joke about it and stuff, I think school has effected a very large change on me. My friends have started asking if I lost weight and I shrug it off by saying: it's school. And it doesn't help that I have become quite lethargic and have lost (well most of) my appetite, and as another friend puts it: I've been relegated to eating grass. Am I? I think it's okay by me, actually.
To tell the truth I feel quite tired but still have another lap to run, like those JC days where you have the 2.4km run and it's the end of the 5th round and you're just starting on the 6th round but you feel quite tired already from sprinting the first five. And I dread to think that after completing the 6th round, I still have another few more rounds to go. It's like an neverending thing... people are graduating but I'm stuck here another year. Not I don't choose to, but it's so physically energy-draining that I feel quite tempted to just graduate anyway. Wait, I take that back. Working is another headache altogether. No... I wish to buy more time.
Reminds me of those instant order things in fastfood restaurants...
"More time, please."
"Time order coming up rightaway," as the cashier hands me the brown dingy package called "time".
"Thank you," I mumbled and opened it only to discover a little yellow flame which even moths won't be attracted to. And I get more dismayed than before at finding that this is what I've strived for so hard and for so long and have only gotten so much as this tiny a flame. I mean, what's this compared to the sun? Here I am striving so hard for the sun but have only gotten this little spark that can either (a) quickly die off or (b) amount into a sun after years of hard work.
It's just too depressing to even think about, I have to get back to reading again.
6:26 pm
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