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The writer does not intend to but tends to make silly remarks that make others laugh. Sometimes she enjoys this unintentional trait of hers, and sometimes she detests it. But nevertheless, she loves to laugh at silly things, both good and bad, mostly little silly things, because she finds that life is too short to spend it sulking away. She also tends to be sarcastic with her words because the subtlety of dry humour makes her laugh even more and lightheartedly at those who "just don't get it."

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My Imaginary World

Sunday, December 11, 2005

If you're wondering where the hell I've been for the past few months, I will tell you this: I would like to know too. The truth is, try as I might, I can never undercover the mystery of how fast time flies especially when you don't notice it. Perhaps during this time, we're all trapped in the midst of our imaginary worlds that the real world does not seem relevant until we fly back to reality all of a sudden. And then the feeling of re-joining reality seems awkward again as it does after every cycle of this shuffling between your imaginary and real worlds, which is exactly what I'm doing right now by writing this and in doing so feel exactly as clumsy as any person trying to form words in his/her head in another language. Which probably explains why I'm writing in half-sentences and am incoherent at that too, and also why I'm taking all of fifteen minutes to write up to here. Verbal constipation, it seems, and then I swiftly and safely swing back into my imaginary world yet again.

Why do we create imaginary worlds for ourselves in our heads? (I assume that everybody does this even at the subconscious level and if you seriously think you don't, I won't force you) Escapism? Creativity? Out of boredom? Maybe. It could be all of the above. Perhaps I am pessimistic and I need a space where I can comfort myself and assure myself that I am going in the right direction and am not lost like what I think I am in the real world. But perhaps the imaginary world also makes me feel more optimistic about myself that I might build my self-confidence in this world and hope to bring it to the real one.

Then I have another problem: how do I bridge the imaginary and the real? In my dreams? Perhaps, because dreams are supposedly imaginary and thus false, yet they have a certain quality of truth in them because they come from our subconsciousness. In novels? In movies? i.e. reel life reflect real life in the certain morals which the movie embraces, the same goes for novels. Why do we read novels or watch movies? Because they reassure us of our own principles? Because they kill time? Because they reflect our sentiments about certain issues? Sometimes the imaginary and real are so closely connected in my mind that I can't tell the difference between the two or which thing comes from the real or the imaginary. And sometimes I even wonder if my mind is playing tricks on me in making me think about these things.

Then I think: is it dangerous for me not to know what's real and what's not? There are some things that aren't real but my mind persuades me, very convincingly I might add, that they are in fact very real in my life. These are things I can't seem to ignore in making decisions, be it big or small or in any form or shape that they take, so that I often feel conflicted and tempted to sit on the fence all the time (because that would allow to change my mind as and when I feel a strong impulse to). And why is it so difficult to choose one thing from another? I mean it could be as simple and innocent as choosing what to eat for lunch right, but no... I can't decide all the same. I would try to think of the various reasons that would actually allow me to verify and validate my choice of food. Why can't I just choose something out of fancy and not have a reason to suffice my decision? Because that would mean being rash and impulsive in the real world, whereas in the imaginary world, choices can be made just because it feels like the right thing to do. Nobody can dispute why you chose this and not that (well you can but you won't feel that you will suffer the grave consequences of having done so).

So what is this thing that is holding us back from making decisions? In the imaginary world, alot of weird things can happen that we can't explain. What's more, they can manifest from real events from the real world like a fastforward of what may really happen if you do this or do that, like a grand display of all your horrors, fears and desires that makes you alarm just by thinking about it. Maybe that's why I've always been more afraid of what a man can think than what he can do, and when I watch psychological thrillers that blatantly toy with your minds, I get scared because they generate a whole series of thoughts and what-ifs which I know aren't true, at least on the surface level, but I secretly (and most irritating too, to my own frustration), at the bottom of my mind, think they are true and can and may happen in the real world. So generally, I try to avoid genres like that to prevent a regurgitating of reel time interwoven with my own phantoms and fears. And also to ensure that I do not remain sleepless for the next few weeks.

12:10 am
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